Just like love can’t be defined, it can not be measured as well. And neither can the pain be, when the separation happens. Maybe that’s why neither did we ask how much we loved each other, and nor do we now ask how much pain we are in. There is no measurement of it. Neither the love, nor the pain can be poured in a vessel to be quantified and recorded for examination and validation.
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And the separation – it is always mechanical where we convince ourselves that we have unloved someone. That there are no regrets and there are no demands. That we wish the best for each other now and that is it. If it was love – the undefined, the unmeasured love – separation is merely a state of mind. It’s the part of maze where you end up again and again while finding your way out, thinking you have moved on. But there you are, stuck right at the point where you can’t decide if you moved on, or you ever will. Or perhaps this whole concept of moving on is just a construct and absurd.
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You knew this won’t work and hence you push him away hard. Find reasons to hit the nail harder so that he could bleed. Obliviate him from life so that he moves on – being hopeless and empty which would translate to anguish that can act as the fuel for him to move.
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And then you touch the subject back subtly. Like dipping your feet in a brook to figure out how cold it is. It feels lukewarm and you smile and decide to dive in. But as soon as you dive in, you realize how cold it is in the deeper part, freezing you to death or a state where you gain infinite inertia so that you can’t move an inch. You are right there – frozen, fooled by the lukewarm surface blessed with sunshine to remain warm. It felt the same when he thanked me and said he can finally be person who is. Your lips stretch to smile but stop in between – reallising how the scheme worked well to push him and he is someone who he is; but you are not. You don’t even know who you are anymore, seeking a definition. And just like your love was undefined, you are undefined too – cringing and still convincing yourself that what he said is right – No regrets ; No Demands.
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Worse? There is no solution to it. All you can seek is closure, keep yourself busy and wish, just like he defined love for you for the first time, someone would redefine it for you. But you won’t ever be in love again. Not in the same way, not with the same intensity, passion and ember that burn your own self. That fire now rests dead in ashes, and so do you.
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